I am...

I actually laid my head on the table for a few moments before picking it up to write this post.  It's funny, considering the emotions I went through.  Dread was first, because I have a lot of emotional baggage and it's sometimes hard to put out there, so how the heck was I going to write a post?  Fear was next, because, honestly, I don't know if I'm really reaching out to people or not.  Why keep on writing a blog when that's at the back of your mind?  Ugh.  Procrastination came next, flipping to see what Wednesday's post was and debating if I could just push this one back by going to find the source of Wednesday.  Then I remember it's on an easy findable flash drive in my room.  Damn.

The last emotion, always the last and never the first, was acceptance.  Acceptance that I should write this post because it might be the post that resonates with someone and helps them.  Acceptance that it doesn't matter who is reading, but that someone is reading.  Acceptance that, no matter how much I want to push it back and ignore it, it still needs to be written.  Such is the way of writing.  I say that because this cycle is not just for the average blog post.  Oh no.  This cycle starts whenever I first start to write a novel.  Procrastination cycles through on a more rapid pace, as I find something to scrub until I get a spark of brilliance, but it is the same thing.  Dread that it's a crap idea, fear that nobody will read it so why bother, procrastination because something needs to be cleaned or one more level of Candy Crush, and acceptance that I should just write the thing.

You might be thinking "oh my God, get over yourself".  Yeah, I have that thought every once in a while when I think I'm being overly dramatic.  Then I realize that I'm a writer and human.  We're all overly dramatic once in a while, even if it's not been since you were little, but it happens.  We also get into cycles that slow us down from whatever we want to do.  I used to get out of the cycle by lots of chocolate and/or liquor, but it didn't always work.  I will let you know what did work.

Acceptance.  Acceptance that I am who I am and I will always have doubt. I can use that doubt to make my writing better, even though I think my editor might shoot me sometime in the future.  But you know what?  Even the biggest and best writers have doubt that they're writing what they should.  It is the curse of the writer and, the sooner you accept that, the better you'll be.  I don't know how to move on from it or leave it behind, but I accept it as part of my life.  I talk through it, I journal, I rage, but, in the end, it is accepted.

I am doubtful.  I am fearful.  I am dreadful.  I am me and I am human.  I accept that, because if I don't, then I won't be able to tell the story that's locked in my head.  I won't be able to help someone, just one person, by them connecting with a story I tell.  For in the end, at our basic level, all humans are storytellers.  You do it when you get home from work and tell someone about your day.  You're telling them the story of your life.

So, at the heart of all these emotions spinning around me, the best thing I can say when I say I am is I am a storyteller.  I will spin you a story, either from my mind or my life, set to a beat that might make you hold your breath, but it is what I do.  It is what I am.  I accept it and I accept me.

Until next time, keep on writing and keep on accepting yourself just the perfect way you are.